Is there anything to be excited about anymore?
Right now, it seems like a whole lot of not. This entire period of self-isolation, physical distancing, quarantine—whatever you want to call it—is confusing, depressing, frustrating, sometimes ok and weirdly comforting. Really, it’s all of the things. Even as I write this my thoughts are jumbled together like a big bowl of noodles spiraling in all directions yet somehow contained neatly in a box.
I’m a dreamer and a do-er. I’m sure many I/ENFP’s can relate. It’s not new for me to have my mind be in a bajillion places at once. I love to feel 100% whatever I am feeling—happiness, sadness, anger, etc. A couple of weeks ago, I emailed the camp I worked at last summer that I wouldn’t be returning due to COVID-19, which spiraled me into a week-long overthinking battle in my brain. Once emotions simmered, I decided the only thing to do was flip my mindset and focus on the positives of a sucky situation. Which is really hard during a pandemic. Like, really hard.
So that brings me to today’s topic: anticipation. It’s something that should be easy, but right now is seemingly difficult. As humans, we anticipate happy beginnings and joyful ends; the butterflies-in-stomach feeling that thrives off a new love, experience or season of life.
It’s the final school bell that welcomes summer; watching the Harry Potter finale film in a packed theater; the concert we saved up for months to see our favorite band; the first home cooked meal after coming home from college; an overworked accountant’s first vacation in years; a couple’s 65th wedding anniversary; a soldier reuniting with her loved one after being overseas; a writer releasing his first book; a person’s first birthday, and their last. The list goes on and on.
As humans, we don’t anticipate scary beginnings and disappointing ends. We’re not wired to be overjoyed when the future is dim and things don’t go as planned. For me, it was a canceled trip to Disney World, a visit with my close college friend, the sudden end to an internship where I skied every day and a summer job postponed until 2021. When we lose anticipation, the would’ve, could’ve, should-have-beens start to kick in.
My friend Pops recommended Brené Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us with David Kessler on Grief and Finding Meaning. Kessler says, “This is a collective loss of the world we all lived in before the pandemic. We, like every other loss, didn’t know what we had until it was gone.”
COVID-19 is scary. We don’t know much about it and no matter how hard I try to stop thinking about it, I anticipate its end every. single. day.
As our society grieves the things we once looked forward to, we must remember to be gentle with others and ourselves. As Kessler says, “The worst loss is always yours.”
While we wait, I’m trying my darndest to shift focus and energy from what-could-have-beens to right-nows. Contrary to popular opinion, 2020 is not canceled. Yes, the MN State Fair may be. But that doesn’t mean I can’t fry my own Oreos in the meantime.
Today, I choose to anticipate what I didn’t before: jumping into the lake, canoe rides with my parents, baked oatmeal every morning before work, writing in my journal, learning something new every day, sunsets and sunshine, visiting the lambs at our local farm and re-reading books from my childhood. Finding excitement in the little things creates meaning on the dreariest of days.
So, is anticipation dead? In hibernation, maybe. But in all seriousness, it’s still kicking. Maybe when all of this is over it’ll shine a little brighter than it did before.
-MJ